Whoa. What happened to the last month?

Okay, yeah, life has been crazy. But I really didn't think that I'd let almost an entire month go by since my last post. Kinda defeats the purpose.

Updates:
1) Getting the new blog(s?) prepped for launch! Been saving domain titles in hopes of being able to use the one I finally decide upon without any trouble and have started to wonder if I should be separating out the different areas of my work into different blogs. I mean, that makes sense right? Like having a portfolio showing what you designed (but someone else built) and a separate portfolio, or subsection, showing what you actually created yourself. Got a list of ideas and names, now I just need to organize photos and articles that accompany and I'll be up and running!

2) Taught my first class last week! Okay, it was more like a private lesson because a system error meant I only had one student, but she's a really sweet and cool person who seems genuinely interested in expanding her sewing skills! This may have been better really because it helped me to understand how the tiny space could potentially work, or be a problem, with a full class. Also, I found out that the classes aren't structured so that students have completed projects by the end of the course which kinda ticks me off. I mean, if I paid good money to take a class to learn to make a single project, I expect that it will be done and awesome when I complete the course. I'm trying to find ways around that problem so my students can get a full project before they leave.

3) Saw two of my classes canceled because of no sign ups. I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised as they mentioned before that they were having some trouble getting people in, but it still stings both on an emotional let down and financial loss.

4) I am contemplating using Betterfly or similar site to start generating private course students. Need to do some research on how the system works now that there have been changes and how I would have to handle paying taxes on income generated through such a site. Honestly, I'm not sure if it would be better to use a service listing site or just go old school and start pounding the pavement and posting on community boards and trying to get onto the local noon news during the week.

5) Made myself a promise that before the end of the month I would be securing my own living space. (Yes, that's right, I've been crashing at the parents. Don't judge; things have been tough.) This means finding serious work and fast because what I had to sell to start building up my living savings was stolen. They didn't take the obvious things, just the highest ticket items (like my freaking power tool set!) and thoroughly trashed the place in the process (boxes thrown everywhere, my full length mirror broken, etc.). So this promise may mean taking whatever comes in whatever form of employment I can get. Clean a million dollar home in a day? Yard work? Paint someone's house interiors? Babysitting/Part-time Nanny/Pet-sitter? I'll take what I can get!

Other than those major items I'm working on figuring out how to better manage my insulin resistance and thyroid and adrenal disorders. A major change in diet and a genuine fitness plan are looming in my near future and it's about as terrifying as funnel cloud right now. Of course, being an Illinois River Valley girl (meaning I was raised at the tail end of tornado alley), I know well that sometimes things have to be torn down and rebuilt from the ground up to be something that will last a lifetime. Not necessarily the concept one expects to bring towards changing their current health but I can't find a better description than a complete tear down and rebuild.

With that pretty visual painted, I will say goodnight, or good morning depending on where you are in the world. May today be a better day!

Coping

Panic and avoidance can walk together like the best of friends to the detriment of everyone around the person suffering in addition to the poor guy (or girl) who is freaking out. Like the stalling that occurred from my not so little breakdown on Saturday. A crisis or two is apparently to be expected when learning to cope with and overcome panic, anxiety, depression, and self destructive behavior. I guess I'm supposed to take comfort in knowing that at least in this I'm "normal". If you're reading this and deal with any of these problems you know that it really doesn't FEEL comforting, it just further frustrates.

All that said, there comes a point where you have to decide in the wake of those set-backs whether you're going to just give up entirely or push onward, gather the broken pieces around you that are worth saving and try to rebuild. After spending far too much time in self pity mode I'm back, ready to fight again.

One battle lost does not mean the war is over, it just means that you have to reevaluate the weaknesses that caused the failure and try to shore up you're defenses before advancing again. My weaknesses are hinged around fear of failure and a long standing inability to focus and pay attention to time. So the attention issue is just going to have to mean things like getting a new watch and always positioning myself in front of a clock when I sit down to work on anything. The fear issue is going to be a matter of time and proving myself wrong. When you've lived for probably more than a decade with am "I'm already a failure / I'll never be good enough" mentality it takes time to break down the back self construction and rebuild a "positive, healthy self-image." Or so I'm told.

I think this is the point of living on faith because all the logic in my mind says this is all going to backfire based on previous experiences. But it's been proven I don't have the most perfectly formed sense of logic, so maybe this will work. God I hope so.

I wish I could have found my way earlier in life so I wasn't redefining myself at twenty-four when I should be focused on advancing a career and saving for a house and family. Instead I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life with no clear path as to what kind of job or place in the country I might find happiness. Yes, I know the saying "happiness is find within yourself" but it's damn hard to be happy when you are unemployed and back living with your parents.

Goals for the week: 1) deliver samples and project outlines, 2) address possible mix up with deferment paperwork on student loans (I haven't heard back and am freaking out that my paperwork hasn't been processed), 3) lock down a full time job, 4) start process of selling unnecessary stuff, 5) start researching apartments here and out West.

Five goals, one week. Sink or swim time. No more over thinking, no more wasting time on things that aren't productive. Jump in feet first and figure out the problems as they come instead of looking and waiting and in turn creating problems.

Moving forward. Time to make a real change.