Whoa. What happened to the last month?

Okay, yeah, life has been crazy. But I really didn't think that I'd let almost an entire month go by since my last post. Kinda defeats the purpose.

Updates:
1) Getting the new blog(s?) prepped for launch! Been saving domain titles in hopes of being able to use the one I finally decide upon without any trouble and have started to wonder if I should be separating out the different areas of my work into different blogs. I mean, that makes sense right? Like having a portfolio showing what you designed (but someone else built) and a separate portfolio, or subsection, showing what you actually created yourself. Got a list of ideas and names, now I just need to organize photos and articles that accompany and I'll be up and running!

2) Taught my first class last week! Okay, it was more like a private lesson because a system error meant I only had one student, but she's a really sweet and cool person who seems genuinely interested in expanding her sewing skills! This may have been better really because it helped me to understand how the tiny space could potentially work, or be a problem, with a full class. Also, I found out that the classes aren't structured so that students have completed projects by the end of the course which kinda ticks me off. I mean, if I paid good money to take a class to learn to make a single project, I expect that it will be done and awesome when I complete the course. I'm trying to find ways around that problem so my students can get a full project before they leave.

3) Saw two of my classes canceled because of no sign ups. I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised as they mentioned before that they were having some trouble getting people in, but it still stings both on an emotional let down and financial loss.

4) I am contemplating using Betterfly or similar site to start generating private course students. Need to do some research on how the system works now that there have been changes and how I would have to handle paying taxes on income generated through such a site. Honestly, I'm not sure if it would be better to use a service listing site or just go old school and start pounding the pavement and posting on community boards and trying to get onto the local noon news during the week.

5) Made myself a promise that before the end of the month I would be securing my own living space. (Yes, that's right, I've been crashing at the parents. Don't judge; things have been tough.) This means finding serious work and fast because what I had to sell to start building up my living savings was stolen. They didn't take the obvious things, just the highest ticket items (like my freaking power tool set!) and thoroughly trashed the place in the process (boxes thrown everywhere, my full length mirror broken, etc.). So this promise may mean taking whatever comes in whatever form of employment I can get. Clean a million dollar home in a day? Yard work? Paint someone's house interiors? Babysitting/Part-time Nanny/Pet-sitter? I'll take what I can get!

Other than those major items I'm working on figuring out how to better manage my insulin resistance and thyroid and adrenal disorders. A major change in diet and a genuine fitness plan are looming in my near future and it's about as terrifying as funnel cloud right now. Of course, being an Illinois River Valley girl (meaning I was raised at the tail end of tornado alley), I know well that sometimes things have to be torn down and rebuilt from the ground up to be something that will last a lifetime. Not necessarily the concept one expects to bring towards changing their current health but I can't find a better description than a complete tear down and rebuild.

With that pretty visual painted, I will say goodnight, or good morning depending on where you are in the world. May today be a better day!

Chicago Layover

So I've been to O'Hare more times than I can count right now (I didn't asleep enough on the last two flights so my brain hurts too much to try and remember) but I've never previously noticed how few outlets there were until about 45 minutes ago when I got to spend 15 minutes wandering trying to find one. And that's all I find: one. The second plug is damaged. In Dallas they had charging stations. Of course they also had more info screens so you didn't have to hoof it to the end of a concourse if you forgot the gate they mentioned on the last flight (or if they didn't mention where you're headed next). In the past I haven't found much to complain about when here, but I'm starting to think that was more a matter of not having such a long layover causing me to spend so much time here. It's great that they have so many security points. But if they had something like the Skyline rail system that Dallas has I think people would have better things to say because the trek between one concourse and the next can be exhausting and frustrating.

Yeah, I'm being a grumpy cat. Lack of sleep can make me far worse. Like I could be complaining about how the guy next to me coming here makes me understand why some airlines charge extremely overweight passengers for two seats; it sucks to have someone dang near sitting on you because they're so big. I know I don't have a ton of room to talk as I'm far from a skinny mini, but I fit in a single seat. Plus this further cements my plans to get in shape.

(Edit: Below is first two publicly announced goals in my journey to get my life under control & back to a generally happy place.)

I decided on Sunday while at the beach that within the next three years I will lose enough weight and increase my endurance to the point of being able to complete a triathlon. Mind you I say complete, not compete. I have no illusions about going from chubby bunny to star athlete. That just doesn't happen for the majority of people and I'd rather not set myself up for failure and disappointment. Instead my focus is on reaching what I think is a more reasonable goal. It's a goal that allows time to train progressively and safely and aims at completing, not being first, so if I finish but come in dead last it's still a win.

This means I'll have to find a drug regimen that can help with the Hashimoto's, adrenal insufficiency, borderline diabetes, and Lyme. Yep, shooting for the stars with this dream. But people conquer each of these diseases every year. True, not a lot (based on what I've researched thus far) have such a full deck stacked against them, but that is no longer an acceptable excuse to not try. I want to be healthy for myself, for my family and friends, for my future children. I want the "normal life" I've never known and I'm willing to fight to get it. No, it won't be entirely normal as I'll always need treatment for some of those ailments, but I believe I can limit how much I have to exist off meds by getting to a version of healthy for me. I'll never get a day without medication. I accept the truth that my body is too damaged too make that happen. But I have faith that a day will come where it won't be handful after handful every day. I'll get there.

In the meantime, I need to catch my final flight for home. Looking forward to home more and more. A true vacation was what I needed for so many reasons. Now I need to take that recharged sense of hope and put it to good use.

Last Night in Paradise

So tonight is my last night with family in Hawaii. I'm sad to be leaving so soon, one week really isn't enough time to see even half the things I'd like to have seen here. However, life back on the mainland demands attention if It's like to keep my teaching position this summer and I am basically broke so a full time job is needed and fast. I'm not worried now as I feel a new found sense of comfort in the state of knowing that I'm earning towards a goal of moving West and starting a new book in my life's journey. Will everything go according to plan? Probably not. That's just life and I'm not afraid of the bumps our sudden hairpin turns because the view is still beautiful and they're signs I'm moving forwards instead of just being stuck in am emotional, spiritual, and financial rut. I heard someone on the radio ask once "what's the difference between a rut and a grave? The depth." To which I've added: "So if you don't want this rut to become your grave, you'd better climb out now."

On the horizon I have a crazy busy few days ahead. After traveling back, which will take over 12 hours of travel, I have to work up all of my sample projects for the Open House on Saturday and write up three class proposals and get applications sent in for a regular job. Honestly, I feel exhausted just thinking about the reality of that list and all the parts and steps involved, but this has been where I've tripped myself up in the past; I get so overwhelmed looking at the big picture that I panic and freeze and then end up behind schedule/past my deadlines and then just feel even worse. This bring a period of change in my life seems like a good time to address this problem. Do I have a clear plan? Well, no. I figure I can start by trying what my big sister has told me so many times: just focus 9b the next task on the list and force yourself to finish the task within a certain time frame by not letting everything else slip into your mind. It has felt impossible before. I have so much chatter and so many things run through my head at any given second that it's rare I can truly focus and enjoy anything anymore. Except in those moments of being so completely engrossed in something like photographing architecture or flowers or something else I consider pretty. Things that catch my magpie-like eyes can steal my attention so completely that I've actually injured myself a time or two as a result. How I can make myself reach that level of focus on a task is something I haven't yet figured out, but I also haven't tried recently for lack of feeling any hope that I could change my situation.

I read a quote the other day attributed to "Jack Sparrow" that says "The problem is not the problem. The problem is you're attitude towards the problem." I realized usually this has been the truth for me for some time; the problem is not the set backs and road blocks, it's my inability to see the road beyond and believe that there is a road ahead and it's worth fighting for!

There are some truly wonderful, beautiful people in my life. For reasons that I can't always understand they have decided that I'm worth the effort they have all put forward to keep me going. They are all worth more than their combined weight in gold to me. They are the life breath that has kept me alive up until now. Now I think I can breath on my own again. I think being here has helped me to see that it's time to get of life support not because it's a burden to others (though I know it has been at times) but because I'm ready. Am I scared? Hell yes. Only an idiot wouldn't be scared of all that life is today. Being afraid of the hard things like finding and keeping a living wage job and dealing with finishing a degree after leaving the world of university is normal. I get that now. Like the old saying goes: it is not the absence of fear that defines courage but action in the presence of fear.

It is with a hopeful heart that I move forward into a beautiful unknown future.

Right now, what I really need to do is get a shower to wash off kitty hair and exploring dust and then pack up to leave tomorrow. It will have to be an early start for me so I can see more before hopping on the first of three flights to get back to my corn fields so I am going to enjoy all the sleep I can get in a real bed! Sleep well world; I'm off to the land of dreams!

In flight blogging!

So many new things! Between my first time on a 737 & first time in am emergency exit type, the flight from Dallas to L.A. has been surprisingly relaxing. Perhaps the Dramamine helped substantially, but I'm not going to try & pick apart a good thing.

I'm torn between being excited & scared about how the week ahead will go because I'm not sure what to expect. I'm excited about getting to go to one of the two fifty states I once thought I'd never get to see. I'm loving the idea of spending a week in above 70° weather. Yet I'm still nervous about possible allergies raining on the experience or the time difference being more than my body can handle I'm so short amount of time. It also doesn't help that I have a stack of work to come home to that I will have all of 48 hrs to complete before handing over 9 projects I only just got materials for.

In case it's not painfully obvious, I am a serious worrier who has a hell of a time trying to relax. Last year I managed to relax during conferences, but only because I had left projects either done early or almost done & therefore easily finished upon return with a little cushion room. This time I have no cushion, a hard deadline screaming at me, & an ever increasing fear that I'll never finish anything in my life for reasons I can't figure out other than deep seated anxiety over the potential for failure.

Also, I genuinely no longer know what I want next in life.
That may sound rather general, but truth is it's how I feel about most things now: not pressing desire or hunger for anything which is down right depressing having spent do many years fighting like hell to get to a goal that just doesn't matter to me anymore.

The only thing I look forward to anymore is sleep because it's the only time I don't feel the void of that former drive to reach a goal. That's not a healthy way to live. So, I need goals again. They don't have to be big like in the past (MFA & tenure track asst. Professor position or full time less prop artisan/designer/fabricator in sci-fi/adventure film & television by 30). These new goals have to meet the following requirements:
1) must be a part of a "plan" that requires looking ahead no less than one year but no more than five years,
2) must be centered around doing something that makes me happy to the extent of looking forward to tomorrow,
3) must include an understanding odd my own limitations on all levels & have a contingency plan in case my health takes another turn for the worse or some family emergency arises,
4) must include aspects of regular interaction with people outside those I live with & immediate family, & last but not least,
5) must include a way to adapt at regular intervals to accommodate for the possibility that what I start off towards may turn out to be something I don't want or doesn't make me happy.

While some things must be pushed through for the sake of survival, the main point of these new goals is to be happy & share that happiness with the people I love.
Yeah, super sappy & sugary sweet. If you feel the need to go brush your teeth I'll wait.

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Now that your teeth are safe I'm on a 757, first tine in a middle seat, first super long flight, & I'm starving so I'm going to eat & hopefully relax a little more with each mile towards a tropical paradise & hopefully be rested & ready to take on the world when I get back to the mainland.