Panic and avoidance can walk together like the best of friends to the detriment of everyone around the person suffering in addition to the poor guy (or girl) who is freaking out. Like the stalling that occurred from my not so little breakdown on Saturday. A crisis or two is apparently to be expected when learning to cope with and overcome panic, anxiety, depression, and self destructive behavior. I guess I'm supposed to take comfort in knowing that at least in this I'm "normal". If you're reading this and deal with any of these problems you know that it really doesn't FEEL comforting, it just further frustrates.
All that said, there comes a point where you have to decide in the wake of those set-backs whether you're going to just give up entirely or push onward, gather the broken pieces around you that are worth saving and try to rebuild. After spending far too much time in self pity mode I'm back, ready to fight again.
One battle lost does not mean the war is over, it just means that you have to reevaluate the weaknesses that caused the failure and try to shore up you're defenses before advancing again. My weaknesses are hinged around fear of failure and a long standing inability to focus and pay attention to time. So the attention issue is just going to have to mean things like getting a new watch and always positioning myself in front of a clock when I sit down to work on anything. The fear issue is going to be a matter of time and proving myself wrong. When you've lived for probably more than a decade with am "I'm already a failure / I'll never be good enough" mentality it takes time to break down the back self construction and rebuild a "positive, healthy self-image." Or so I'm told.
I think this is the point of living on faith because all the logic in my mind says this is all going to backfire based on previous experiences. But it's been proven I don't have the most perfectly formed sense of logic, so maybe this will work. God I hope so.
I wish I could have found my way earlier in life so I wasn't redefining myself at twenty-four when I should be focused on advancing a career and saving for a house and family. Instead I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life with no clear path as to what kind of job or place in the country I might find happiness. Yes, I know the saying "happiness is find within yourself" but it's damn hard to be happy when you are unemployed and back living with your parents.
Goals for the week: 1) deliver samples and project outlines, 2) address possible mix up with deferment paperwork on student loans (I haven't heard back and am freaking out that my paperwork hasn't been processed), 3) lock down a full time job, 4) start process of selling unnecessary stuff, 5) start researching apartments here and out West.
Five goals, one week. Sink or swim time. No more over thinking, no more wasting time on things that aren't productive. Jump in feet first and figure out the problems as they come instead of looking and waiting and in turn creating problems.
Moving forward. Time to make a real change.
