Chicago Layover

So I've been to O'Hare more times than I can count right now (I didn't asleep enough on the last two flights so my brain hurts too much to try and remember) but I've never previously noticed how few outlets there were until about 45 minutes ago when I got to spend 15 minutes wandering trying to find one. And that's all I find: one. The second plug is damaged. In Dallas they had charging stations. Of course they also had more info screens so you didn't have to hoof it to the end of a concourse if you forgot the gate they mentioned on the last flight (or if they didn't mention where you're headed next). In the past I haven't found much to complain about when here, but I'm starting to think that was more a matter of not having such a long layover causing me to spend so much time here. It's great that they have so many security points. But if they had something like the Skyline rail system that Dallas has I think people would have better things to say because the trek between one concourse and the next can be exhausting and frustrating.

Yeah, I'm being a grumpy cat. Lack of sleep can make me far worse. Like I could be complaining about how the guy next to me coming here makes me understand why some airlines charge extremely overweight passengers for two seats; it sucks to have someone dang near sitting on you because they're so big. I know I don't have a ton of room to talk as I'm far from a skinny mini, but I fit in a single seat. Plus this further cements my plans to get in shape.

(Edit: Below is first two publicly announced goals in my journey to get my life under control & back to a generally happy place.)

I decided on Sunday while at the beach that within the next three years I will lose enough weight and increase my endurance to the point of being able to complete a triathlon. Mind you I say complete, not compete. I have no illusions about going from chubby bunny to star athlete. That just doesn't happen for the majority of people and I'd rather not set myself up for failure and disappointment. Instead my focus is on reaching what I think is a more reasonable goal. It's a goal that allows time to train progressively and safely and aims at completing, not being first, so if I finish but come in dead last it's still a win.

This means I'll have to find a drug regimen that can help with the Hashimoto's, adrenal insufficiency, borderline diabetes, and Lyme. Yep, shooting for the stars with this dream. But people conquer each of these diseases every year. True, not a lot (based on what I've researched thus far) have such a full deck stacked against them, but that is no longer an acceptable excuse to not try. I want to be healthy for myself, for my family and friends, for my future children. I want the "normal life" I've never known and I'm willing to fight to get it. No, it won't be entirely normal as I'll always need treatment for some of those ailments, but I believe I can limit how much I have to exist off meds by getting to a version of healthy for me. I'll never get a day without medication. I accept the truth that my body is too damaged too make that happen. But I have faith that a day will come where it won't be handful after handful every day. I'll get there.

In the meantime, I need to catch my final flight for home. Looking forward to home more and more. A true vacation was what I needed for so many reasons. Now I need to take that recharged sense of hope and put it to good use.

Halfway to Home

On the second of three flights for the day, worried they're going to screw up where my gate checked bag is supposed to end up, but otherwise excited to be going home to my own bed for a long sleep and then two days of intense work. Gotta go!

Last Night in Paradise

So tonight is my last night with family in Hawaii. I'm sad to be leaving so soon, one week really isn't enough time to see even half the things I'd like to have seen here. However, life back on the mainland demands attention if It's like to keep my teaching position this summer and I am basically broke so a full time job is needed and fast. I'm not worried now as I feel a new found sense of comfort in the state of knowing that I'm earning towards a goal of moving West and starting a new book in my life's journey. Will everything go according to plan? Probably not. That's just life and I'm not afraid of the bumps our sudden hairpin turns because the view is still beautiful and they're signs I'm moving forwards instead of just being stuck in am emotional, spiritual, and financial rut. I heard someone on the radio ask once "what's the difference between a rut and a grave? The depth." To which I've added: "So if you don't want this rut to become your grave, you'd better climb out now."

On the horizon I have a crazy busy few days ahead. After traveling back, which will take over 12 hours of travel, I have to work up all of my sample projects for the Open House on Saturday and write up three class proposals and get applications sent in for a regular job. Honestly, I feel exhausted just thinking about the reality of that list and all the parts and steps involved, but this has been where I've tripped myself up in the past; I get so overwhelmed looking at the big picture that I panic and freeze and then end up behind schedule/past my deadlines and then just feel even worse. This bring a period of change in my life seems like a good time to address this problem. Do I have a clear plan? Well, no. I figure I can start by trying what my big sister has told me so many times: just focus 9b the next task on the list and force yourself to finish the task within a certain time frame by not letting everything else slip into your mind. It has felt impossible before. I have so much chatter and so many things run through my head at any given second that it's rare I can truly focus and enjoy anything anymore. Except in those moments of being so completely engrossed in something like photographing architecture or flowers or something else I consider pretty. Things that catch my magpie-like eyes can steal my attention so completely that I've actually injured myself a time or two as a result. How I can make myself reach that level of focus on a task is something I haven't yet figured out, but I also haven't tried recently for lack of feeling any hope that I could change my situation.

I read a quote the other day attributed to "Jack Sparrow" that says "The problem is not the problem. The problem is you're attitude towards the problem." I realized usually this has been the truth for me for some time; the problem is not the set backs and road blocks, it's my inability to see the road beyond and believe that there is a road ahead and it's worth fighting for!

There are some truly wonderful, beautiful people in my life. For reasons that I can't always understand they have decided that I'm worth the effort they have all put forward to keep me going. They are all worth more than their combined weight in gold to me. They are the life breath that has kept me alive up until now. Now I think I can breath on my own again. I think being here has helped me to see that it's time to get of life support not because it's a burden to others (though I know it has been at times) but because I'm ready. Am I scared? Hell yes. Only an idiot wouldn't be scared of all that life is today. Being afraid of the hard things like finding and keeping a living wage job and dealing with finishing a degree after leaving the world of university is normal. I get that now. Like the old saying goes: it is not the absence of fear that defines courage but action in the presence of fear.

It is with a hopeful heart that I move forward into a beautiful unknown future.

Right now, what I really need to do is get a shower to wash off kitty hair and exploring dust and then pack up to leave tomorrow. It will have to be an early start for me so I can see more before hopping on the first of three flights to get back to my corn fields so I am going to enjoy all the sleep I can get in a real bed! Sleep well world; I'm off to the land of dreams!

Aloha!

So, the last post unfortunately had to be published after the fact in spite of having been started on the planes because I wasn't smarter than the Blogger app & couldn't get into my account. Problem solved! Yay!

I will definitely be able to share more in the immediate future now, however, at the moment I seriously need to force myself to sleep because my day starts at 8 with a quick shower & breakfast before sight-seeing all over Oahu! :-O

Crazy I know! Small town girl didn't just go to the city this time, she flew off to a tropical island dream escaping the harsh snow covered tundra! So many stories!