Saturday, March 30, 2013

Sunset driving back from Turtle Bay. O'ahu, HI. - '13

A full day ended with a trip to Turtle Bay. Photos from the Dole Plantation, plus driving to come! Very tired now. This was my sunset coming back to the house.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Aloha!

So, the last post unfortunately had to be published after the fact in spite of having been started on the planes because I wasn't smarter than the Blogger app & couldn't get into my account. Problem solved! Yay!

I will definitely be able to share more in the immediate future now, however, at the moment I seriously need to force myself to sleep because my day starts at 8 with a quick shower & breakfast before sight-seeing all over Oahu! :-O

Crazy I know! Small town girl didn't just go to the city this time, she flew off to a tropical island dream escaping the harsh snow covered tundra! So many stories!

In flight blogging!

So many new things! Between my first time on a 737 & first time in am emergency exit type, the flight from Dallas to L.A. has been surprisingly relaxing. Perhaps the Dramamine helped substantially, but I'm not going to try & pick apart a good thing.

I'm torn between being excited & scared about how the week ahead will go because I'm not sure what to expect. I'm excited about getting to go to one of the two fifty states I once thought I'd never get to see. I'm loving the idea of spending a week in above 70° weather. Yet I'm still nervous about possible allergies raining on the experience or the time difference being more than my body can handle I'm so short amount of time. It also doesn't help that I have a stack of work to come home to that I will have all of 48 hrs to complete before handing over 9 projects I only just got materials for.

In case it's not painfully obvious, I am a serious worrier who has a hell of a time trying to relax. Last year I managed to relax during conferences, but only because I had left projects either done early or almost done & therefore easily finished upon return with a little cushion room. This time I have no cushion, a hard deadline screaming at me, & an ever increasing fear that I'll never finish anything in my life for reasons I can't figure out other than deep seated anxiety over the potential for failure.

Also, I genuinely no longer know what I want next in life.
That may sound rather general, but truth is it's how I feel about most things now: not pressing desire or hunger for anything which is down right depressing having spent do many years fighting like hell to get to a goal that just doesn't matter to me anymore.

The only thing I look forward to anymore is sleep because it's the only time I don't feel the void of that former drive to reach a goal. That's not a healthy way to live. So, I need goals again. They don't have to be big like in the past (MFA & tenure track asst. Professor position or full time less prop artisan/designer/fabricator in sci-fi/adventure film & television by 30). These new goals have to meet the following requirements:
1) must be a part of a "plan" that requires looking ahead no less than one year but no more than five years,
2) must be centered around doing something that makes me happy to the extent of looking forward to tomorrow,
3) must include an understanding odd my own limitations on all levels & have a contingency plan in case my health takes another turn for the worse or some family emergency arises,
4) must include aspects of regular interaction with people outside those I live with & immediate family, & last but not least,
5) must include a way to adapt at regular intervals to accommodate for the possibility that what I start off towards may turn out to be something I don't want or doesn't make me happy.

While some things must be pushed through for the sake of survival, the main point of these new goals is to be happy & share that happiness with the people I love.
Yeah, super sappy & sugary sweet. If you feel the need to go brush your teeth I'll wait.

.....

.......

.........

...........

.............


Now that your teeth are safe I'm on a 757, first tine in a middle seat, first super long flight, & I'm starving so I'm going to eat & hopefully relax a little more with each mile towards a tropical paradise & hopefully be rested & ready to take on the world when I get back to the mainland.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

...Take Two

     Well, first attempt at this thing didn’t quite work. Okay, it was a failure. If this is going to work I really have to be honest with myself and my previous approach just didn’t fit; it just felt off. Why? Probably dozens of reasons but I think the biggest mistake I made before is not focusing on positive, productive aspects of this project and instead tried to just vent frustration. I have friends and family for that and at this point they’ve all heard more than enough of that crap from me so it’s time for a real change. Time has come to turn the page in my book of life and finally let go of the ugly feelings from the past and put those demons to rest once and for all. Easier said than done…

     Focusing forward will have to mean making hard choices to face down a lot of pain and properly heal wounds that have been left to fester. In a moment of inspiration many years ago I came up with the explanation for my future children about why you shouldn’t hold on to anger and ugly feelings: The Soul is a Garden. It’s not complicated, but it is a little wordy. Here goes what I remember of it.

 

The Soul's Garden©
By Katie Cottingham

     Each of us has an inner garden to tend and nurture. This garden is our soul, and it is a gift. There are a multitude of plants that can grow in this garden, but they all begin as one of two seeds: love or hate.  

     Love, when planted and cared for brings forth kindness, compassion, light, friendship, warmth, joy, and many other beautiful things. It requires a large amount of care and attention early in a garden’s life. If cared for properly it can paint a life filled with everything stunning colors and shapes that will astound on a daily basis as new hues are revealed with time. Love can set deep, strong roots that will last well beyond the life of a single garden because it will offer seeds to other gardens so that its beauty will not be contained to one lifetime.

     Hate is the seed of destruction. It can kill a garden if given the chance. Hate brings bitterness, pain, cruelty, rage, resentment, suffering, and everything that is dark and ugly in the universe. Hate cannot be removed by aggressive attacks because the deeper you try to dig down to the roots the stronger they become. Hate can suck all life from the soil, leaving nothing left for Love to live off of. How it survives is unknown as our understanding is limited to measures of love or the absence of in any one thing or person.

     Hate can be removed though! Careful devotion to the regular harvesting of Love and sharing its bounty with others somehow loosens the grip Hate has on the root system. It’s possible that this phenomenon occurs because of how many nutrients that Love can put back into the soil, nutrients that are poisonous to Hate, or perhaps it’s merely a matter of Love being stronger at its core.

     Now, every gardener knows that storms and bad weather happen. There is only so much that we can do to protect our garden in times of greatest trouble, but there are precautions to take before and rebuilding that can be done to damage after the storms pass. Sharing your garden’s unique beauty is a great way to protect it; when you are ill others can step forward to remind you that you have this amazing gift that brings light to the world and has value in its existence and their words can help keep your garden healthy when your body struggles.

     Regular removal of evidence of Hate is necessary. To prune away the invader take stock of all the beauty Love has brought you and how much good you have done by nurturing it when you could have taken the easy road and allowed Hate to take over.

     Take care to keep away all outside gardeners who secretly plant Hate in as many other gardens as possible. They’re not always easy to discern, and sometimes you may find that someone you thought was helping you is in fact doing the opposite. Don’t give their seeds any roots! Instead, search out those who need the Love you still have and share it and you will find that your garden is healthy again!

     Should substantial damage be done to your garden, you should take care to not mourn for a great length of time because each tear you shed will water seeds of greater sadness. The best route to restoring and promoting new growth is focusing on what remains of Love and looking for examples of its flourishing in other gardens, taking care not to allow the weeds of jealousy to begin creeping along your path; they will trip you and leave deep scars.

     Love in all its forms is what you need to focus on. You will make mistakes. People will try to destroy the beauty inside your garden because they lost the battle to maintain their own. Do not let this hold you down.

     Keep tending to your garden with love in mind, and love is what you will find more and more. There will always be darkness beyond the reach of light. There will always be those that welcome it into their garden. That is a lonely place to exist. Hold on to love, and you will always find laughter to fill your days and hope when storms try to beat you down.

 

 
 
     Admittedly, that is a more grown up explanation now that I read it over. I did have a more simplified idea, and it was no more than three paragraphs(!), but unless I find that particular notebook sometimes soon I will leave this as is.

     I’m sharing that to get to this point: I have done some serious damage to my soul garden, and possibly to others, and I am trying with all that is inside me to repair and rebuild all that I tore down or allowed to be taken.

     With love and all the beauty it brings in mind I am working towards laying down new pathways; pathways that I hope to share with anyone and everyone in need of a source of light to remind them that love is stronger if you give it the means to grow.
 
     Today, because I love the process of creation, because I have a chance of a lifetime and a lifetime of chances ahead of me, I will endeavor to complete as many projects as I can with a positive view on the day and all the opportunities it brings. Any project completed will be a success. Any project that has substantial work done will be a success. More importantly, any negative, self-injuring thought that crosses my mind will be excised with the precision of a neurosurgeon working on an infant by remembering that while I am flawed, I still have the gift of Love in my life. Love is the many people who have stood by me through my life storms. To cherish those people, to show them how much I love them in return, I will not allow darkness to cast shadows of doubt on my fields. I will be the good steward of my own soul as much as I try to be of mother earth. Today is a great day to be alive! ♥