Such is the story of me. It's not that I don't try to be the "good" kid/student/employee. I just seem to lack the ability to focus long enough over long spans of time (weeks & months) to get things done when needed.
Today was supposed to be a great day. Instead I'm trying not to throw up everywhere from bad left over Subway. It was a dumb choice. Even though it was fast, I should've considered the possibility that it may not sit well given the time it was out and the amount of stress I've felt the last few days.
So another failure. If I listed all the things I can't do, do poorly, or have failed at I swear I would have to consume probably 3/4 of the existing worldwide supply of paper. Ok, maybe not that much if I condensed things into categories.
Still, today comes as a crushing blow as it feels more and more like this is as inescapable as the color of my eyes or need for air. I am seriously beginning to wonder if I have the ability to function like "normal" people who can meet deadlines and plan ahead and be useful to those around them. Is it possible that some people have no other purpose than to serve a an example of what is "wrong" and "broken" and "useless to society?"
I used to think in terms of "if only I had" or "of only I could do X skill" as the root of my problems. Now I've come to see the problem is just me and my inability to process order of things and feel the passing of time. To me, all that I've written so far feels like the same amount of time/energy as a simple text message note. Truly. An hour can feel like less than a minute and them I realize I just "spaced" and lost another chunk of time and feel depressed and beat myself up because "gee, did it again, and so one more apology to owe someone."
I've come to doubt that any of the countless drugs I've been put on over the years can, or ever could, do anything. What if the problem is a structural issue? What if my brain or some other part is just broken in one of those ways we don't know how to fix yet? What then?
It's hard to stay positive when your guts seem to be calling you an idiot and you've failed to deliver something on time, again. Who would want that for an employee? I wouldn't. Who could recommend someone who constantly fails? I couldn't. I think people have been nice in their reviews because it's just the people they are to not want to hurt someone, especially someone who clearly doesn't have any hope of improving but still seems to want to be better. Pity sucks. Being pathetic sucks more.
If there was a cure all that would take ten or even thirty years off my life but could allow me to function like a "normal person" for the remainder of my days I'd make that trade. I'd give up my hours and dreams of being a wife and mother; I'd rather live alone and only know the joy of children from afar to be able to complete one damn thing in the way I planned. I might as well be alone; I've yet to find anyone who really understands what it's like to exist like this.
I've run out of ideas. Positive thinking, affirmations bullshit, slow breathing, bouncy music, and on and on and on. Nothing can keep my mind present. Nothing can make me physicality faster. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Be one of those sponges that lives off the government? Or worse, one of those tragic types that lives off family until they finally wander off or "accidentally" die? Seriously. There had to be an answer! Someone, somewhere knows why I'm broken. Someone, somewhere knows a way to fix me in a way that doesn't resolve with a pine box. This isn't living. This it's barely existing and today I just can't fine the energy or the heart to muster a fake smile. I'm sorry. I just can't make it happen today.
No comments:
Post a Comment