So tonight is my last night with family in Hawaii. I'm sad to be leaving so soon, one week really isn't enough time to see even half the things I'd like to have seen here. However, life back on the mainland demands attention if It's like to keep my teaching position this summer and I am basically broke so a full time job is needed and fast. I'm not worried now as I feel a new found sense of comfort in the state of knowing that I'm earning towards a goal of moving West and starting a new book in my life's journey. Will everything go according to plan? Probably not. That's just life and I'm not afraid of the bumps our sudden hairpin turns because the view is still beautiful and they're signs I'm moving forwards instead of just being stuck in am emotional, spiritual, and financial rut. I heard someone on the radio ask once "what's the difference between a rut and a grave? The depth." To which I've added: "So if you don't want this rut to become your grave, you'd better climb out now."
On the horizon I have a crazy busy few days ahead. After traveling back, which will take over 12 hours of travel, I have to work up all of my sample projects for the Open House on Saturday and write up three class proposals and get applications sent in for a regular job. Honestly, I feel exhausted just thinking about the reality of that list and all the parts and steps involved, but this has been where I've tripped myself up in the past; I get so overwhelmed looking at the big picture that I panic and freeze and then end up behind schedule/past my deadlines and then just feel even worse. This bring a period of change in my life seems like a good time to address this problem. Do I have a clear plan? Well, no. I figure I can start by trying what my big sister has told me so many times: just focus 9b the next task on the list and force yourself to finish the task within a certain time frame by not letting everything else slip into your mind. It has felt impossible before. I have so much chatter and so many things run through my head at any given second that it's rare I can truly focus and enjoy anything anymore. Except in those moments of being so completely engrossed in something like photographing architecture or flowers or something else I consider pretty. Things that catch my magpie-like eyes can steal my attention so completely that I've actually injured myself a time or two as a result. How I can make myself reach that level of focus on a task is something I haven't yet figured out, but I also haven't tried recently for lack of feeling any hope that I could change my situation.
I read a quote the other day attributed to "Jack Sparrow" that says "The problem is not the problem. The problem is you're attitude towards the problem." I realized usually this has been the truth for me for some time; the problem is not the set backs and road blocks, it's my inability to see the road beyond and believe that there is a road ahead and it's worth fighting for!
There are some truly wonderful, beautiful people in my life. For reasons that I can't always understand they have decided that I'm worth the effort they have all put forward to keep me going. They are all worth more than their combined weight in gold to me. They are the life breath that has kept me alive up until now. Now I think I can breath on my own again. I think being here has helped me to see that it's time to get of life support not because it's a burden to others (though I know it has been at times) but because I'm ready. Am I scared? Hell yes. Only an idiot wouldn't be scared of all that life is today. Being afraid of the hard things like finding and keeping a living wage job and dealing with finishing a degree after leaving the world of university is normal. I get that now. Like the old saying goes: it is not the absence of fear that defines courage but action in the presence of fear.
It is with a hopeful heart that I move forward into a beautiful unknown future.
Right now, what I really need to do is get a shower to wash off kitty hair and exploring dust and then pack up to leave tomorrow. It will have to be an early start for me so I can see more before hopping on the first of three flights to get back to my corn fields so I am going to enjoy all the sleep I can get in a real bed! Sleep well world; I'm off to the land of dreams!
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