Muslims, Mormons, and Mr. Rodgers: A Very Educational Saturday

     So, plans this week did not go as I had hoped, but today was such an educational day that I'm really not upset.  See, today I got to read my sister's first draft of her thesis on the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, a subject which I was sorely undereducated on.  Then I crossed a friend's Facebook page and happened upon an article about Mormon beliefs, and then an article on Mr. Rodgers.  Three different, yet similar and connected subjects.  Saying that "my brain is fried" would be putting it very lightly. 

     Other than that is the joy of ending the day with The Bronson Pinchot Project, and even better, getting a response from the magic man himself on his Facebook page! :-O I made a comment about how he doesn't look 53, and he responded: "I'm going on 54 and having given up hair dye last month my hair is bright polished silver."  Yes, that's right, I just copy/pasted that like the silliest fan girl.  Why?  Because I think it's awesome I got a response.  But frankly, that response still leaves me a little confused as to how to respond.  This is the best I could come up with: "I can't decide whether that was a way to say, "that's sweet little girl" or if you're just fishing for a "silver fox" compliment...?"  Yep; "Pathetic was her name-o."  I've met a few fairly famous people, but for some reason I actually felt a little fan girlish just now.  Possibly because I was being sincere in saying he doesn't look that old, or possibly because I feel awkward now having said anything at all, let alone a personal comment to a complete stranger.  But I do that all the time with comments like "nice shirt/pants/dress/something" and don't think anything of it.  Maybe it's just lack of sleep...  Eh, whatever.

     Regardless, today wasn't necessarily a bad day.  Just a long day.  Being that tomorrow will be another long day it is time for me to say farwell and be off to shower and bed.  I will leave you with a photo of one of my favorite memories from Hawaii: My first encounter with Banyan Trees.

Coping

Panic and avoidance can walk together like the best of friends to the detriment of everyone around the person suffering in addition to the poor guy (or girl) who is freaking out. Like the stalling that occurred from my not so little breakdown on Saturday. A crisis or two is apparently to be expected when learning to cope with and overcome panic, anxiety, depression, and self destructive behavior. I guess I'm supposed to take comfort in knowing that at least in this I'm "normal". If you're reading this and deal with any of these problems you know that it really doesn't FEEL comforting, it just further frustrates.

All that said, there comes a point where you have to decide in the wake of those set-backs whether you're going to just give up entirely or push onward, gather the broken pieces around you that are worth saving and try to rebuild. After spending far too much time in self pity mode I'm back, ready to fight again.

One battle lost does not mean the war is over, it just means that you have to reevaluate the weaknesses that caused the failure and try to shore up you're defenses before advancing again. My weaknesses are hinged around fear of failure and a long standing inability to focus and pay attention to time. So the attention issue is just going to have to mean things like getting a new watch and always positioning myself in front of a clock when I sit down to work on anything. The fear issue is going to be a matter of time and proving myself wrong. When you've lived for probably more than a decade with am "I'm already a failure / I'll never be good enough" mentality it takes time to break down the back self construction and rebuild a "positive, healthy self-image." Or so I'm told.

I think this is the point of living on faith because all the logic in my mind says this is all going to backfire based on previous experiences. But it's been proven I don't have the most perfectly formed sense of logic, so maybe this will work. God I hope so.

I wish I could have found my way earlier in life so I wasn't redefining myself at twenty-four when I should be focused on advancing a career and saving for a house and family. Instead I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life with no clear path as to what kind of job or place in the country I might find happiness. Yes, I know the saying "happiness is find within yourself" but it's damn hard to be happy when you are unemployed and back living with your parents.

Goals for the week: 1) deliver samples and project outlines, 2) address possible mix up with deferment paperwork on student loans (I haven't heard back and am freaking out that my paperwork hasn't been processed), 3) lock down a full time job, 4) start process of selling unnecessary stuff, 5) start researching apartments here and out West.

Five goals, one week. Sink or swim time. No more over thinking, no more wasting time on things that aren't productive. Jump in feet first and figure out the problems as they come instead of looking and waiting and in turn creating problems.

Moving forward. Time to make a real change.

Late, tardy, absent, past due, overdue, etc.

Such is the story of me. It's not that I don't try to be the "good" kid/student/employee. I just seem to lack the ability to focus long enough over long spans of time (weeks & months) to get things done when needed.
Today was supposed to be a great day. Instead I'm trying not to throw up everywhere from bad left over Subway. It was a dumb choice. Even though it was fast, I should've considered the possibility that it may not sit well given the time it was out and the amount of stress I've felt the last few days.
So another failure. If I listed all the things I can't do, do poorly, or have failed at I swear I would have to consume probably 3/4 of the existing worldwide supply of paper. Ok, maybe not that much if I condensed things into categories.
Still, today comes as a crushing blow as it feels more and more like this is as inescapable as the color of my eyes or need for air. I am seriously beginning to wonder if I have the ability to function like "normal" people who can meet deadlines and plan ahead and be useful to those around them. Is it possible that some people have no other purpose than to serve a an example of what is "wrong" and "broken" and "useless to society?"
I used to think in terms of "if only I had" or "of only I could do X skill" as the root of my problems. Now I've come to see the problem is just me and my inability to process order of things and feel the passing of time. To me, all that I've written so far feels like the same amount of time/energy as a simple text message note. Truly. An hour can feel like less than a minute and them I realize I just "spaced" and lost another chunk of time and feel depressed and beat myself up because "gee, did it again, and so one more apology to owe someone."
I've come to doubt that any of the countless drugs I've been put on over the years can, or ever could, do anything. What if the problem is a structural issue? What if my brain or some other part is just broken in one of those ways we don't know how to fix yet? What then?
It's hard to stay positive when your guts seem to be calling you an idiot and you've failed to deliver something on time, again. Who would want that for an employee? I wouldn't. Who could recommend someone who constantly fails? I couldn't. I think people have been nice in their reviews because it's just the people they are to not want to hurt someone, especially someone who clearly doesn't have any hope of improving but still seems to want to be better. Pity sucks. Being pathetic sucks more.
If there was a cure all that would take ten or even thirty years off my life but could allow me to function like a "normal person" for the remainder of my days I'd make that trade. I'd give up my hours and dreams of being a wife and mother; I'd rather live alone and only know the joy of children from afar to be able to complete one damn thing in the way I planned. I might as well be alone; I've yet to find anyone who really understands what it's like to exist like this.
I've run out of ideas. Positive thinking, affirmations bullshit, slow breathing, bouncy music, and on and on and on. Nothing can keep my mind present. Nothing can make me physicality faster. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Be one of those sponges that lives off the government? Or worse, one of those tragic types that lives off family until they finally wander off or "accidentally" die? Seriously. There had to be an answer! Someone, somewhere knows why I'm broken. Someone, somewhere knows a way to fix me in a way that doesn't resolve with a pine box. This isn't living. This it's barely existing and today I just can't fine the energy or the heart to muster a fake smile. I'm sorry. I just can't make it happen today.

Home... -ish

After a quick hop from Chi-town to the old Vaudeville city and a crazy moment of realizing my worries were correct and they did indeed send my gate checked bag to baggage claim at O'Hare I'm now trying to relax and wind down to get some sleep so I can attack the day tomorrow.

The two biggest things keeping me from getting alone much needed sleep is 1) fear and worry placed by the reminder of how disorganized I am and how I don't really know where to start in coping with my problems and 2) sun burn that makes me want to crawl into a small hole and die to stop the pain. I forgot to PR in lidocaine laced aloe gel last night and this morning so my skin really dried out and then I started to peel really bad. I'm hoping with enough of the right pain killers and otc treatments I can get a full night.

It's my hope to be able to check in tomorrow, but I'm not making a promise or goal on the matter as my priority is getting a much sewing done as possible and dealing with checking on a student loan deferment processing. Oh the joys of being poor... Not. Thank God for the scrap fabric I was given years ago as it's the only way I'm going to be able to provide these samples. I worry I've bitten of more than I can chew, but I'm in it now so time to jump in feet first right? Right. No more letting anxiety make me freeze and stall. Time to overcome that demon. One way or another.

I start with going to bed asst a reasonable hour and getting up when the rest of the world functions. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Chicago Layover

So I've been to O'Hare more times than I can count right now (I didn't asleep enough on the last two flights so my brain hurts too much to try and remember) but I've never previously noticed how few outlets there were until about 45 minutes ago when I got to spend 15 minutes wandering trying to find one. And that's all I find: one. The second plug is damaged. In Dallas they had charging stations. Of course they also had more info screens so you didn't have to hoof it to the end of a concourse if you forgot the gate they mentioned on the last flight (or if they didn't mention where you're headed next). In the past I haven't found much to complain about when here, but I'm starting to think that was more a matter of not having such a long layover causing me to spend so much time here. It's great that they have so many security points. But if they had something like the Skyline rail system that Dallas has I think people would have better things to say because the trek between one concourse and the next can be exhausting and frustrating.

Yeah, I'm being a grumpy cat. Lack of sleep can make me far worse. Like I could be complaining about how the guy next to me coming here makes me understand why some airlines charge extremely overweight passengers for two seats; it sucks to have someone dang near sitting on you because they're so big. I know I don't have a ton of room to talk as I'm far from a skinny mini, but I fit in a single seat. Plus this further cements my plans to get in shape.

(Edit: Below is first two publicly announced goals in my journey to get my life under control & back to a generally happy place.)

I decided on Sunday while at the beach that within the next three years I will lose enough weight and increase my endurance to the point of being able to complete a triathlon. Mind you I say complete, not compete. I have no illusions about going from chubby bunny to star athlete. That just doesn't happen for the majority of people and I'd rather not set myself up for failure and disappointment. Instead my focus is on reaching what I think is a more reasonable goal. It's a goal that allows time to train progressively and safely and aims at completing, not being first, so if I finish but come in dead last it's still a win.

This means I'll have to find a drug regimen that can help with the Hashimoto's, adrenal insufficiency, borderline diabetes, and Lyme. Yep, shooting for the stars with this dream. But people conquer each of these diseases every year. True, not a lot (based on what I've researched thus far) have such a full deck stacked against them, but that is no longer an acceptable excuse to not try. I want to be healthy for myself, for my family and friends, for my future children. I want the "normal life" I've never known and I'm willing to fight to get it. No, it won't be entirely normal as I'll always need treatment for some of those ailments, but I believe I can limit how much I have to exist off meds by getting to a version of healthy for me. I'll never get a day without medication. I accept the truth that my body is too damaged too make that happen. But I have faith that a day will come where it won't be handful after handful every day. I'll get there.

In the meantime, I need to catch my final flight for home. Looking forward to home more and more. A true vacation was what I needed for so many reasons. Now I need to take that recharged sense of hope and put it to good use.

Halfway to Home

On the second of three flights for the day, worried they're going to screw up where my gate checked bag is supposed to end up, but otherwise excited to be going home to my own bed for a long sleep and then two days of intense work. Gotta go!

Last Night in Paradise

So tonight is my last night with family in Hawaii. I'm sad to be leaving so soon, one week really isn't enough time to see even half the things I'd like to have seen here. However, life back on the mainland demands attention if It's like to keep my teaching position this summer and I am basically broke so a full time job is needed and fast. I'm not worried now as I feel a new found sense of comfort in the state of knowing that I'm earning towards a goal of moving West and starting a new book in my life's journey. Will everything go according to plan? Probably not. That's just life and I'm not afraid of the bumps our sudden hairpin turns because the view is still beautiful and they're signs I'm moving forwards instead of just being stuck in am emotional, spiritual, and financial rut. I heard someone on the radio ask once "what's the difference between a rut and a grave? The depth." To which I've added: "So if you don't want this rut to become your grave, you'd better climb out now."

On the horizon I have a crazy busy few days ahead. After traveling back, which will take over 12 hours of travel, I have to work up all of my sample projects for the Open House on Saturday and write up three class proposals and get applications sent in for a regular job. Honestly, I feel exhausted just thinking about the reality of that list and all the parts and steps involved, but this has been where I've tripped myself up in the past; I get so overwhelmed looking at the big picture that I panic and freeze and then end up behind schedule/past my deadlines and then just feel even worse. This bring a period of change in my life seems like a good time to address this problem. Do I have a clear plan? Well, no. I figure I can start by trying what my big sister has told me so many times: just focus 9b the next task on the list and force yourself to finish the task within a certain time frame by not letting everything else slip into your mind. It has felt impossible before. I have so much chatter and so many things run through my head at any given second that it's rare I can truly focus and enjoy anything anymore. Except in those moments of being so completely engrossed in something like photographing architecture or flowers or something else I consider pretty. Things that catch my magpie-like eyes can steal my attention so completely that I've actually injured myself a time or two as a result. How I can make myself reach that level of focus on a task is something I haven't yet figured out, but I also haven't tried recently for lack of feeling any hope that I could change my situation.

I read a quote the other day attributed to "Jack Sparrow" that says "The problem is not the problem. The problem is you're attitude towards the problem." I realized usually this has been the truth for me for some time; the problem is not the set backs and road blocks, it's my inability to see the road beyond and believe that there is a road ahead and it's worth fighting for!

There are some truly wonderful, beautiful people in my life. For reasons that I can't always understand they have decided that I'm worth the effort they have all put forward to keep me going. They are all worth more than their combined weight in gold to me. They are the life breath that has kept me alive up until now. Now I think I can breath on my own again. I think being here has helped me to see that it's time to get of life support not because it's a burden to others (though I know it has been at times) but because I'm ready. Am I scared? Hell yes. Only an idiot wouldn't be scared of all that life is today. Being afraid of the hard things like finding and keeping a living wage job and dealing with finishing a degree after leaving the world of university is normal. I get that now. Like the old saying goes: it is not the absence of fear that defines courage but action in the presence of fear.

It is with a hopeful heart that I move forward into a beautiful unknown future.

Right now, what I really need to do is get a shower to wash off kitty hair and exploring dust and then pack up to leave tomorrow. It will have to be an early start for me so I can see more before hopping on the first of three flights to get back to my corn fields so I am going to enjoy all the sleep I can get in a real bed! Sleep well world; I'm off to the land of dreams!